<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>oh, how the mighty fall (in love) by zanthetran</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24361456">oh, how the mighty fall (in love)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/zanthetran/pseuds/zanthetran'>zanthetran</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, bed sharing, but the fic isn't about mental illness its just mentioned twice, follows canon throughout s12, mention of depression and suicidal thoughts (brief), mention of mental illness (brief)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:07:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,526</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24361456</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/zanthetran/pseuds/zanthetran</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>(Later she’ll tell Ryan about it, in vague details. She’ll say words like ‘nothing’ and ‘nowhere’ and ‘alone’ and she feels them in her bones even now.) </p>
<p>(Later, she does cry.)</p>
<p>or</p>
<p>what started as a character piece on yaz and the kasaavin dimension and subsequent downward spiral into recklessness turned into a bed sharing fic spanning all of s12.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>oh, how the mighty fall (in love)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>whaddup y’all. this fic spans through all of season 12 and follows canon more or less. I didn’t put major character death warnings bc in canon 13 isn’t dead so. Anyways enjoy and find me on tumblr/twitter @zanthetran</p>
<p>also this fic Does contain mentions of depression and previous suicidal thoughts. it is very brief and mentioned twice I believe, but I wanted to put that out there.</p>
<p>title from the mighty fall by fall out boy</p>
<p>thasmin song I suggest listening to during reading: where do you run by the score</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Kasaavin dimension <em>changes</em> Yaz.</p>
<p>Not even just physically (though there <em>were</em> physical symptoms). It changes her mentally (she thought she <em>died</em>)<em>. </em>She hears the word “<em>obstruction</em>” and there’s a bright white light and a lot of pain and she’s gone, somewhere else. Somewhere endless.</p>
<p>And she’s dead<em>.</em></p>
<p>She doesn’t dare touch any of the endlessly tall stumps. She doesn’t want to know what they feel like. She walks a few steps, calling out the names of her fam as if she believes for a moment they’d be able to help her.</p>
<p>And okay, she knows there are more pressing issues but all she can really think about is that she doesn’t have her passwords written down so it’ll be hard to get into her accounts. And no note written, either, which will be sad. She’d gotten good at those notes in her teen years, she wonders what she would’ve put in one now.</p>
<p>And then she’s somewhere else. She’s in a box and she’s staring at the Doctor (and O and Graham) and the blonde pulls a phone out of her jacket and puts her hand up to the glass and Yaz puts her own hand up as well. It shakes as she presses it to the glass and she swears she can feel the heat from the Doctor’s palm and it’s enough to stop the shaking of her body.</p>
<p>She does <em>not </em>cry.</p>
<p>(Later she’ll tell Ryan about it, in vague details. She’ll say words like ‘<em>nothing</em>’ and ‘<em>nowhere</em>’ and ‘<em>alone</em>’ and she feels them in her bones even now.)</p>
<p>(Later, she does cry.)</p>
<p>Later, she looks at her back in the mirror and realizes it left a mark — <em>marks</em>. Nine long raised lashes across her back, like she had been roughly dragged into the Kasaavin dimension, and dragged out of it as well. She doesn’t let herself get angry yet — there is still so much to do. Instead, she puts her shirt back on slowly, her ache going down to the bone, and joins the group for dinner.</p>
<p>She doesn’t sleep that night, or the night after. She’s exhausted but as soon as her eyes close she sees that <em>place </em>and her heart starts to race and she starts to panic, being back there, nowhere, nothing, all alone. She wakes screaming the Doctor’s name.</p>
<p>The Doctor races in to the bedroom, sonic in one hand. Her hair is mussed, meaning she had been sleeping for once. Yaz feels guilty, knowing Ryan and Graham probably stand outside the door as the Doctor realizes nothing is wrong (nothing she can <em>see</em>, really). She doesn’t go back to sleep after they all leave the room and the Doctor sits at the edge of the bed and plays with the frayed edge of the blanket between two fingers.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.” It’s practically a whisper but sounds like a shout in the already silent room. The Doctor looks up at her, eyes searching. “Yaz, I’m really sorry.” Her voice chokes at the end and she shuts her mouth with a frown.</p>
<p>Yaz reaches out and rests her hand over the Doctor’s. “I know,” she says quietly. And she does know. What happened wasn’t the Doctor’s fault, but Yaz knows she’s going to blame herself for it anyways.</p>
<p>They sleep together that night.</p>
<p>Literally <em>sleep</em> together. The Doctor lays down next to Yaz under the thin blanket and talks quietly. The stories vary from detailed explanations of some mechanical thing on the tardis to stories about adventures with past companions and past bodies. Yaz doesn’t ask questions, just listens to the endless cadence of the Doctor’s ramblings. At some point she must’ve fallen asleep because she wakes in the morning to an empty bed and a body that feels refreshed for the first time in days.</p>
<p>She shows Ryan the scars, already starting to heal, and he hugs her like a big brother would, and they both know they won’t tell Graham what it was like — what happened to her.</p><hr/>
<p>She doesn’t sleep well on the run, either. This time it’s a new crisis that almost killed them, which is great, except this time the Doctor isn’t with her, which is less great, and means she isn’t sleeping again. She bolts upright in the bed almost every night and Graham and Ryan have actually stopped waking up with how often it happens. She doesn’t scream anymore — hasn’t done that since the second night on the run. She spends a lot of time playing a dumb game on her phone that Ryan downloaded for her and thinking about blonde hair and blue pants.</p>
<p>They go to the ‘fakation’, almost get killed by Dregs, but of course they don’t. It wouldn’t be a very good story if they died, right?</p>
<p>(Yaz tells herself that a lot.)</p>
<p>They get stunted answers from the Doctor about where she’s from and only lead to more questions. They watch people die in heroic ways and learn of the Earths future in this timeline and the Doctor sleeps with Yaz every single night since they reunited after the plane.</p>
<p>Yaz is pretty sure the boys know — it’s not really a secret and the Doctor says things at night like “let’s go to bed, Yaz”, so she’s not exactly subtle. But every night there they eventually lay, after showers and the Doctor’s damp hair wets her pillow and Yaz tells her she really shouldn’t leave her pillow damp, there could grow mold or something, and the Doctor flips the pillow to the other side and then that conversation is done with, apparently.</p>
<p>In a way that is surprising to exactly no one, the Doctor is very good at rambling and talking about things so far out of Yaz’s understanding that she can fall asleep, focused on the Doctor’s soft voice and double thump of her heartbeat under her palm.</p>
<p>In a way that truly is surprising to Yaz is the Doctors ability to completely relax, silent and still. A week ago Yaz wouldn’t have said it possible for the Doctor to slow down long enough to truly relax or be silent, but night after night she lay next to Yaz, eyes on the glow in the dark stars stuck to the ceiling and playing with Yaz’s fingers with one hand (so maybe completely still was still too much, but Yaz didn’t complain). Later she’ll tell Yaz she spent almost ten years in a monastery — though half of the monks did turn out to be zygons and she (he, at the time) had to break her vow of silence because she couldn’t resist a last one liner.</p>
<p>Yaz talks sometimes, too. Not about the Kasaavin dimension or the almost plane crash or her willingness to give her life to the Dregs (read: recklessness). Instead, she talks about Sonya, and her mum and dad, and her nan, and the beach they used to go to as kids, and the times she’d climb up to the roof and sit under the stars for hours as a teenager. She talks about deciding to become a police officer and the constant fog that was her teen years, that she’d finally dug herself out of. She tells the Doctor, “the fog will always be there, I think. I just learned how to live with and around it.”</p>
<p>She does eventually talk about What’s Happened. She tells the Doctor how she thought she was dead, the white light, the <em>pain</em> as she was pulled through dimensions. She shows her the scars — now faded light on her skin, but there nonetheless — and the Doctor gasps as she runs her fingers feather light over Yaz’s skin.</p>
<p>“Yaz, I’m so —“ her voice breaks off and Yaz pulls her shirt down, rolling over to face the Doctor. “so sorry, Yaz.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Yaz says, just like last time — and like last time, she really does know. “It’s not your fault, you know?”</p>
<p>The Doctor doesn’t respond. Yaz brings the Doctor's knuckles up to her lips and kisses them softly.</p>
<p>“It’s not your fault. I want to be here, Doctor. Even when it’s not so great.”</p>
<p>“I have hurt a lot of humans, you know? You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last, Yaz. I don’t want to see you — I don’t want you to get irreparably damaged.” The Doctor’s voice is soft and scared and Yaz aches for it — for the hurt and pain and weight resting on the Doctor’s shoulders.</p>
<p>“I’m not irreparable, Doctor. I’m okay.”</p><hr/>
<p>The cuddling starts after Yaz get’s captured by the Skithra queen and almost dies (again, if you’re keeping count she guesses it’d be #5 or #6) and the Doctor saves the day just in time. Yaz says, “better now that you’re here” and she means it wholeheartedly, and then they’re back in the tardis. After clothes left in piles on the floor and longer-than-necessary showers and Yaz braids the Doctor’s damp hair. After they get into bed and the Doctor reaches for Yaz in a way she never has before and Yaz realizes she’s still <em>scared </em>and Yaz moves closer, touches the Doctor’s cheek with a clammy palm.</p>
<p>“Doctor, I’m here. I’m alive.” She leans their foreheads together, closing her eyes. The Doctor’s shaking hands touch her face, her cheeks, her collar bones, her hair, landing on the left side of her chest, over her thumping heart. “I’m alive,” she repeats, more for herself than the Doctor.</p>
<p>They stay like that a long time, long enough that Yaz almost falls asleep until the Doctor nudges her with a socked foot (she sleeps with a woman who wears socks to bed, Yaz is appalled at herself, truly) and whispers her name.</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“Roll over.”</p>
<p>Yaz does as told, not opening her eyes and far too tired to wonder what the Doctor wants. She gets her answer when a warm body slides closer behind her and wraps an arm around her waist, holding tight. Yaz smiles into the pillow and says, “you’ve probably got my hair in your mouth, don’t you?”</p>
<p>“Only a bit. Never had long hair, me. I can braid yours though. One of my past companions taught me, I can’t remember if it was Amy or Rose. I bet this body still knows how.”</p>
<p>“We’ll experiment with that tomorrow,” Yaz mumbles tiredly. The warmth from the Doctor’s body and the warmth from the heavy duvet and general exhaustion she felt on a daily with the Doctor all over took her body, and then she was asleep, nightmare free.</p><hr/>
<p>They meet Nikola Tesla and Yaz meets Jack Harkness and the Doctor doesn’t talk about the trip.</p>
<p>They kiss after they get back from the beach and Hong Kong and the Indian Ocean garbage patch. After everyone is cared for and dropped off and off to their rooms with a sandwich (Graham) and Yaz finally steps into their room (she wonders when it went from her room to their room). Yaz shuts the door behind them and when she turns around the Doctor pulls her in by the lapels on her jacket. Her mouth tastes of biscuit and that last cuppa Yaz saw her drink. Yaz cups the Doctor’s cheeks, pulling her closer by the back of her neck. They part, breathing heavy and pupils blown.</p>
<p>They <em>don’t </em>have sex that night, by the way. The Doctor is the perfect gentleman and her hands stay firmly above board (though, at this point Yaz realized she wouldn’t say no if the Doctor’s hands <em>did </em>wander), with only minor groping. They don’t shower that night and Yaz feels a little gross in the morning because she hates not showering after a day like yesterday, but she can’t seem to really care when she rolls over to face the sleeping Doctor. Peaceful, the crease between her brows gone and she breathes deep through her slightly open mouth. (Yaz hasn’t ever seen anything more beautiful, really.)</p>
<p>She wishes she could say the realization came gradually, like a wave washing up the shore or whatever those romance books say, but really it hits her like a fucking train and puts everything into crystal clear perspective, puzzle pieces finally (<em>finally</em>) coming together to make The Big Picture.</p>
<p>The Big Picture is that Yaz is in love with the Doctor, a thousands-of-years-old alien from another planet who travels around in a spaceship disguised as an old police box and saves people in need.</p>
<p>The Big Picture is that she’s been in love with this alien for a while.</p><hr/>
<p>She goes home — they all do. Graham and Ryan leave out the tardis doors, waving goodbye while Graham talks about the sandwich he’s going to make when he gets home. Yaz stands in front of the Doctor, holding her jacket in one hand and reaching out for the Doctor’s hand with the other.</p>
<p>“Soon,” she says, a promise, and pulls the blonde closer. “I’ve gotta catch up on the family drama with Sonya.”</p>
<p>“Do keep me informed. I’m interested who your cousin is going to choose between the boy in her calculous class or the one in her English literature class,” the Doctor says, taking a step into Yaz’s space.</p>
<p>Yaz connects their lips softly, a goodbye, for now. She steps back when they part and kisses the Doctors knuckles. “Tomorrow, lunch time.”</p>
<p>She looks back once when she opens the door and blows an overdramatic and cheesy air kiss.</p>
<p>She falls asleep halfway through the movie Sonya put on and the nightmares that had disappeared when she started sleeping with the Doctor come back, but different this time. Instead of recent events that have been plaguing Yaz’s unconscious mind, she was back on the empty road, but instead of a younger her sitting on the curb, it’s Sonya standing in the middle of the road. She blinks and Sonya appears right in front of her. She sits up on the couch, blanket falling down to pool in her lap and tries to even out her breathing.</p>
<p>The feeling of being watched makes the hair on the back of her neck stand up and she turns to see a tall bald man standing in the middle of her flat.</p>
<p>“Who are you?” Her mind is foggy from sleep and her heart races fast in her chest. “What are you doing here?”</p>
<p>The figure disappears in a fog of black smoke and Yaz is left on the couch, heart racing and palms sweating.</p><hr/>
<p>The finger in the ear really is the worst part about it. Something about that just makes Yaz uncomfortable. She falls asleep soon after, and her dreams are of Sonya telling her she’s not worth it, that she’s alone, that she deserves it, and the Doctor isn’t there and then she’s alone, <em>all alone.</em></p>
<p>The Doctor gets them out of it, of course, and she holds Yaz close that night as she tells her about the nightmares. The next day, she goes to the address the tardis found. She hands the woman the 50p and tells her about her traveling, how she’s better now, more.</p>
<p>The lone Cyberman finds them in the villa and the Doctor gives up the cyberium to save Percy and the Earth. She tells them, “you don’t have to come with me. Cyber war and people don’t mix.”</p>
<p>(Truthfully, Yaz would follow her to the actual ends of the universe and back without a second thought.)</p>
<p>Afterwards, they’re laying in their bed, noses practically touching at how close they are.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry you’re in the stratosphere,” Yaz says quietly.</p>
<p>“I know,” the Doctor whispers. And she does, and they both know it’s neither of their faults this is how situations play out.</p>
<p>That night, they do sleep together (<em>finally</em>).</p>
<p>Yaz pushes up her high school rugby shirt the Doctor’s wearing and lets her hands roam, mapping every inch and memorizing every breathy moan in her ear. She makes the Doctor come fast the first time, letting her get her bearings before starting up the slow thrusts with her fingers again and brings her to the edge a second time. They come together ten minutes later, hot breath mixing between their bodies pressed so close Yaz isn’t sure where she ends and the Doctor begins. The Doctor pulls Yaz hand out from the front of her shorts.</p>
<p>“I can’t again,” she mumbles, exhaustion lacing her voice and pressing quick kisses to Yaz’s lips.</p>
<p>She doesn’t know the words are coming until she’s already said them, and by that time it’s really too late. “I really do, love you, I mean. But if you don’t — you don’t have to say it back, Doctor, I understand, and —“</p>
<p>The Doctor puts a hand on her cheek and pulls her in for a deep kiss. When she pulls away she rests their foreheads together, eyes closed. “I love you too,” she whispers.</p>
<p>“I know,” Yaz replies, opening her eyes and grinning back at the Doctor.</p><hr/>
<p>To be honest, the choice to step through the weird portal and find the Doctor wasn’t even a <em>choice </em>in Yaz’s mind. It just <em>was</em> — it was something she had to do because what was the alternative? She’s dead somewhere on that planet, or dies because they didn’t find her?</p>
<p>And if she’s being completely honest now she’s going to have to admit she really didn’t know if they’d find the Doctor on Gallifrey, and it took quite a while at that, until finally (<em>finally</em>) they round the corner to a room with a figure laying slumped on the ground. Yaz’s hands shake and her stomach drops — <em>dead, she’s dead, she’s not moving, she’s dead, she </em>— and she reaches out for the Doctor’s wrist.</p>
<p>“Doctor,” she whispers (<em>pleads</em>). She wants to touch her, to hold her and feel the double thump of her heartbeat and brush blonde hair out of her face.</p>
<p>The woman stirs and Yaz’s heart leaps to her throat. She could sob with relief, truly. The Doctor’s eyes flutter open and she looks at Yaz, smiling dreamily, then at the rest of them. “My fam,” she says happily.</p><hr/>
<p>They blow up the ship and end up in a tardis — not <em>the </em>tardis, mind you.</p>
<p>“Any more explosives?” The Doctor asks.</p>
<p>“Just one.” Ko Sharmus says.</p>
<p>“Timer?” she asks.</p>
<p>He frowns. “Hand detonation only.”</p>
<p>The rueful smile that passes the Doctors face makes Yaz’s stomach drop. She knows what the Doctor is going to do before she even says anything.</p>
<p>“I’ll take it,” she says, taking the bomb from Ko Sharmus.</p>
<p>Graham — bless him — is the one who finally voices the question they’re all asking (all but Yaz who has moved to wanting to kick her <em>ass</em>).</p>
<p>“What are you thinking, Doc?”</p>
<p>She looks down at the bomb then back up to her fam. “One option left.” She holds up the miniaturized Cyberman. “I have to use the death particle on Gallifrey. On my home. On the master, and his new breed of Cybermen.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure you wanna do that?” Ryan asks tentatively.</p>
<p>“I’m sure I don’t wanna do that but there’s no alternative. If the master and the Cybermen get off this planet, they’ll be unstoppable. I started this, with Shelley and the cyberium, and now I need to finish it.” Her eyes find Yaz. “Alone.”</p>
<p>“What?” Yaz blurts.</p>
<p>“The tardis will take you back to Earth — all of you.”</p>
<p>“What about you? If you detonate that thing you’ll die too,” Ryan says.</p>
<p>“That’s the way it has to be. And I will do that in a heartbeat for this universe. For you,” she looks to Yaz, eyes sad. “My fam,” she says to the rest of them. She turns to leave and Yaz’s arm reaches out before she can stop herself.</p>
<p>“We’re not letting you go, you’re not doing this!”</p>
<p>“Get off of me, Yaz.” The Doctor roughly shakes her grip and turns, eyes alight. “<em>Please.</em>” Pleading, begging.</p>
<p>Yaz wants to reach out so badly her hands ache — to hold her or take her place or <em>something. </em>Anything but <em>this.</em> She tentatively places a hot palm on the Doctors cheek. “I’m sorry,” she says, quietly enough so the rest can’t hear. “I’m sorry the team structure is so mountainous.”</p>
<p>The Doctor brings Yaz’s knuckles to her mouth and softly kisses them, closing her eyes for a brief second. “I know,” she says and drops her hand, looking to the others. “Live great lives.”</p>
<p>The nightmares return, worse than before. This time they include the Cybermen and the Doctor leaving and the Kasaavin dimension and the Skithra queen and the anniversary and <em>the Doctor leaving </em>and she wakes every single night, sitting straight up in bed and breathing heavy. This time there isn’t anyone there to rub her back, tell her about a seminar about quantum physics — when it was invented, obviously. The first ever quantum physics seminar in Earths history. This time there isn’t any heartbeat to listen to or glow in the dark stars to stare at or knuckles to kiss.</p>
<p>Haunted, is the word she’d use for how she feels. Haunted of the past, of the future, of what could’ve been. Of what <em>should</em> have been.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>